Divorce: The Middle-Aged Man’s Survival Guide
*Author’s note*
Divorce: The middle-aged man’s survival guide should be viewed as a self-help book for middle–aged men who suddenly find themselves in an adversarial relationship with their spouses. This is not to suggest that these stories are from the marriages of the people associated with this book or from my own. They are instead a compiling of events that I discovered occur so often and with such commonality in the breakup of long term marriages that they should, for the benefit of both parties, be brought to light.
Chapter 1
First, let’s lay out some ground rules. This book is not for those of you who stupidly screwed up your marriage. If you were cheating and she dumped you, well, you knew the risks going in. Same goes for you who became alcoholics, gamblaholics, drug addicts, couch potatoes, wife beaters and deadbeats.
Likewise for those who treated your family like serfs or indentured servants. Again, you brought it upon yourselves.
This book is not to infer that all wives are malicious, vindictive, conniving psycho’s who believe all their troubles, failures and disappointments would never had occurred had they not gotten married.
There are plenty of normal, decent women out there.
This book isn’t about them.
This book is intended for the men who worked steadily over the last twenty-plus years, helped their wives raise the kids, attended all their plays and sporting events. Mowed the lawn, took out the garbage, fixed the sink, was patient and understanding during that ‘time of the month’ and fully expected to be married for the rest of their life.
Then out of nowhere and for no discernable reason, the women they loved, honored and cherished for the last two-plus decades can’t stand the sight of them and will do anything, (yes, and I mean anything) to get out of the marriage.
If this is what you’re going through, then you need to read this book. Why? Because I have been where you are now and you’re going to need to know what to expect, how to react, how to defend yourself and how to cope with what might very well be the most difficult period of your life.
Chapter 1
When Wives Attack!
How it begins…
It usually starts somewhere in your late forties through your fifties. By this point you and your wife have survived your children’s teenage years and they are leaving the nest. You’ve barely managed to keep your sanity as your wife battled menopause and the hormonal rollercoaster that went with it. You’ve endured all that life can throw at you and you’re still standing. You’re approaching the final few laps of your working life and if all goes well, you and the missus should be able to retire and enjoy the fruits of decades of hard work.
Congratulations!
In many cases that is the end of the scenario. Husband and wife ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
For the rest of us there is one last hurdle. One last battle and hopefully, one last victory.
But if you intend to get to the victory part, you’d better be prepared. Because everything you believed about your marriage, everything you thought you knew about your wife and your relationship… is about to be proven wrong.
And for years, yeah years afterward, you are going to wonder, “Just what the hell happened?”
Can my marriage be saved?
You might not have any say in that. Remember it takes two to make a marriage and if she wants out, then that’s it, regardless how you feel. On the other hand, it may be possible that she is having health issues or hormonal problems and so, if she suddenly starts acting hostile and irrationally, convince her to see a medical professional. You don’t want to discover after the divorce that she was suffering from small strokes or a brain tumor or some other physical ailment. Then, once the health issues are addressed you can move forward with a clear conscious, because—and this is something else you need to understand right away—if she has become difficult, vindictive and just a miserable human being to be around, it’s very likely she’s doing it on purpose.
Women don’t like to be seen as ‘bad guy’ in any relationship, so if she’s looking to rid of you she’ll be increasingly difficult with each passing day until you finally cry Uncle and say: “I want a divorce!” This way she can tell everyone, it was your idea and she is just an innocent victim.
How can I tell if my wife is looking to end the marriage?
Unless we’re talking infidelity, it’s rarely just one thing. When a woman wants out of a marriage she prepares, takes small steps to test the waters. Sees how it feels to not have you in her life. See if she likes it.
So she begins distancing herself from you. One of the most common examples of this is her occasionally sleeping in one of the now empty bedrooms. When you ask about it, she claims it’s because you snore, or her back hurts, or she doesn’t want to wake you when she goes to the bathroom. There’s always some excuse.
You go along for a time but complain when her sleeping in the other bedroom has evolved into an every night thing.
She capitulates, usually because you have agreed to wear some device that will stop your snoring, or have bought a new (and usually expensive and bigger) bed, nevertheless, as the weeks pass, she spends more of her free time in that empty bedroom, begins moving her things into it, starts referring to it as ‘her bedroom’, as in, “What are you doing in my bedroom? Or “I must have left it in my bedroom.”
Naturally you want to put an end to this and get things back to normal. Having endured the menopause thing, you figure that it’s her hormones kicking in again so you make an extra effort to be thoughtful. You buy her things and take her places in the hope that if you just ride it out, life will go back to the way it was before.
But it doesn’t.
Oh sure, she’ll give in some nights just to keep the peace but then begins slipping off to bed early and when you go to join her, you’ll find she’s in ‘her’ bedroom and is sound asleep. (It really doesn’t matter when you find her there, be it 2 minutes or 2 hours after she goes to bed, she will always be ‘sound asleep’) And of course if you wake her and ask why she’s sleeping there instead of your joint bedroom, she’ll act like you’re making a big deal out of nothing and then ask with a real attitude, “Why couldn’t this conversation waited until morning? Or, “Why was it so necessary for you to wake me up from a sound sleep?”
You’re an insensitive jerk, you know that?
At least that’s what she wants you to think, because insensitive jerks don’t get sex. Insensitive jerks get the cold shoulder so they can reflect on what they’ve done.
What you don’t realize is she wants these arguments, wants to be at odds, because for as long as she can be angry at you, she doesn’t have to have sex with you.
So she’ll intentionally start trouble. For example, she’ll start locking ‘her bedroom’ door at night. She’ll say things she knows annoy you, and when you call her on it, she’ll pretend you misunderstood and why are you always jumping down her throat?
She will also do things, for example, vacuuming in front of the television at a critical moment during a sporting event. And when you ask her to stop, well, you’ve just bought yourself another argument, buster.
“It seems no matter what I do, you’re always yelling at me!” she says all teary-eyed as she yanks out the plug and storms off.
Of course you have to follow her and apologize (which makes you miss the highlight play of the game.)
You go through your ‘I’m sorrys, I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I do appreciate all that you do around here.’ “It’s just that you stepped in front of the TV just as they started the big play.”
“I think you care more about your stupid (fill in sport here) than you do me!”
You see, now she’s upset again and it’s all your fault. Looks like you won’t be getting sex anytime soon, Mr. Insensitive Jerk.
Don’t kid yourself, she knew exactly what she was doing and got the result she wanted.
As guys, we have an innate need to fix things. While the wife is playing you like a fiddle, you are under the impression you have done something to make her think you don’t love her. Figuring that’s the case, you immediately try and fix it.
What you don’t realize is while you’re running around like a puppy eager to please, behind your back she’s taking a baseball bat to the relationship, not only hoping to kill it, but make its demise look like your fault.
My wife could never be that devious.
Wanna bet?
What you need to understand is the sweet woman, the loyal companion, the trusted friend and lover is gone, most likely forever.
If you’ve raised a daughter you might better understand what I’m talking about. Remember when she was a little girl? When her eyes would light up at the sight of you? How she would run into your arms and hug you with all her might? Remember how she thought you were the greatest thing in the world? The bestest, bestest, Daddy?
Remember her going through puberty? Remember what she was like as a teenager?
Remember her dismissing you as a blithering imbecile, rolling her eyes when you spoke, battling you at every turn?
You never expected your sweet little girl to change like that did you? And fortunately, over time things worked out and the two of you resumed your relationship. My point here is when some women go through “The Change”, they don’t change back.
Chapter 2
Stop blaming yourself
Most men, when the wife suddenly turns on them, begin soul searching, trying to figure out what they did to make her hate them so.
This process can go on for months. And most guys make every effort to correct whatever they suspect is causing the rift in their marriage. They run to the gym to get back in shape, cut back on watching sports, become more romantic, take her to new and exciting places etc.
Sometimes that works.
Most times it doesn’t.
And on many occasions, the reason for her hostility has nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with you at all.
She’s angry because she has done something so despicable and disloyal behind your back that every time she sees your stupid face, she’s reminded of what she did. So now she feels guilty nearly all the time and it’s all because of you!
Many women grow up believing that someday her knight in shining armor, her Prince Charming, will appear and whisk her away to some magical land where she will have everything she ever wanted and live “Happily Ever After”.
A fantasy, true, but they are also intensely pragmatic and take well thought out steps to make that fantasy happen. Unlike men who can become brainless zombies under the spell of a beautiful woman, most women decide by their teens what type of man they want. After their hormonal ‘bad boy’ infatuation, they set their sights on the guy who is stable, strong, independent and most importantly, headed for success. A man who can provide for her and the children she will give birth to, one who can protect her and who will work himself into an early grave for her.
This is what women want.
And as you’ve probably learned over the years is whatever a woman wants is something she fully expects you to provide.
So now, twenty or so years into your marriage, what does she want?
That’s simple. She wants you dead.
That’s right. SHE WANTS YOU DEAD!
This way she can pretend to mourn your passing, be the grieving widow who is center-stage at the funeral as well as the strong matriarch, who, with her grown children by her side, will stoically soldier on now that you’ve shuffled off to the Great Beyond.
Then, after she collects on the insurance and what she considers the appropriate amount of time has passed, she will sell the house and begin the ‘Happily Ever After’ phase of her life.
Oh the joy of having the freedom and the money to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants!
Unfortunately, there is a drawback. Something keeping her from having that ‘Happily Ever After’ she so justly deserves. And what is that snag?
Why, it’s you, you selfish bastard! How dare you keep all her dreams from coming true! She did her part. She had and raised YOUR children, kept YOUR house, put up with YOUR disgusting and perverted sexual desires. Why she’s a living saint and now that the kids are grown and she no longer needs you, you have the gall to continue living!
I told you they were pragmatic.
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